Attachment Style & Relationship Commitment

All of us have a particular attachment style based on the way our parent or primary caregiver responded to our needs in infancy. Our attachment style has been shown to remain consistent throughout our lifetime, unless intentional work is done to form secure attachments. The attachment style we have impacts our adult relationships and specifically impacts the way we struggle with commitment. Let’s dive into the four attachment styles as well as commitment in relationships to deepen our understanding and awareness & therefore improve our relationships

First, let’s define commitment so that we are all on the same page. The first definition I came across was, “the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.” and what stands out to me most is the idea of being dedicated. This is an essential aspect of commitment. The second definition I found was, “an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action”. I want to challenge this idea of freedom; it seems to suggest that freedom entails a lack of consequence for our actions. Everything we do has consequences, yet that doesn’t mean we have lost our ability to choose, we have simply given up or sacrificed certain things for the sake of being dedicated to the cause.

Let’s look at an example of how commitment does not restrict freedom, yet does involve natural consequences. If a person must attend a a meeting due to the commitment they’ve made to their job; this commitment may appear to restrict their freedom to go to the beach whenever they want. In reality, they haven’t lost their freedom to go to the beach. They can absolutely still go to the beach. However a natural consequence may be that they lose their job. They have the freedom to choose the beach or the meeting, but attending this meeting is part of what it means to be dedicated to the job. If the dedication exists, we choose in accordance with that. 

We were created for commitment. We were created to abide in the Garden of Eden with God. We were created for labor and love, both of which require commitment. The commitment we make in marriage, marital love, the marital union is meant to reflect the love of God & our ultimate commitment to Him. Commitment is good and beautiful. It is written into our hearts. However, we struggle. Let’s look at why.

The world is a broken place. We were made for the Garden of Eden, abiding without division from God, without division in marriage, without division in the family. And yet we live in a fallen, sinful, broken world.  Just like the person had the freedom to choose the beach over his meeting, Eve had the freedom to eat the apple & there are consequences to both of their choices, as well as ours today.

Original sin has been passed down through the generations & impacts our families to this day. The attachment we formed to our parents or caregivers impacts our adult relationships. This includes all types of relationships, not exclusively romantic relationships but friendships, familial relationships, professional and more! Attachment refers to the manner in which you connect emotionally with others. We are biologically wired to attach to others in order to survive.

We often don’t have the knowledge or awareness of our own attachment styles and therefore it impacts our relationships automatically without our understanding of what is really going on. My hope here is to shed light into the four attachment styles, where they come from, the results on the individual and the impact on our commitment & relationships. Within the four styles, one is a secure attachment and three are insecure attachments. Let’s take a look! Please keep in mind that the following descriptions are very oversimplified and generalized for the sake of this blog post.

1. Secure Attachment

• What contributed? Parents or caregivers were attuned to the needs of the child & responded appropriately and consistently 

• What is the result? This person learned that it is safe to rely on people, it is okay to trust others & take risks, it’s okay to ask for help or communicate needs, they learned to tolerate disappointments without completely collapsing 

• What is the impact on relationships? Securely attached individuals report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships, are generally reliable and consistent, have flexible views of relationships, express their feelings more naturally & are not typically afraid of commitment

• Just because someone is securely attached does not mean they will not ever struggle in relationships or struggle with commitment. It does, however, typically set up the person for a more stable foundation to form healthy relationships, trust others and make commitment with a general underlying sense of safety

2. Insecure Avoidant

• What contributed? Parents or caregivers were either completely dismissive of the child’s feelings or were excessively engulfing, which did not allow them enough personal or emotional space

• What is the result? This person will find it hard to connect emotionally with themselves & find It hard to connect with others; the child learns that his or her emotional needs will not be met and so essentially gives up on reaching for others. They learned to shut down their feelings, because it was too painful for their needs to be unmet & they became fearful about ever allowing anyone close again so they avoid being engulfed again. They have a deep fear of abandonment

• What is the impact on relationships? These individuals will be most likely to break off or end relationships, they don’t believe they want or need intimacy, they are highly independent & self reliant, end relationships at the first sign of conflict, struggle to trust, may exhibit passive aggressive communication & are the least likely to be committed to relationships. They try to manage the fear of abandonment by pushing people away and not getting close to others 

3. Insecure Anxious

• What contributed? Parents or caregivers were unreliable, one minute they were loving, supportive, and available and the next they were unavailable and unresponsive

• What is the result? These children learn that people are inconsistent, unreliable and you never know what you are going to get. The child doesn’t know what to expect from others, feels untrusting yet desperate for love & has a deep fear of abandonment

• What is the impact on relationships? They will likely experience more jealousy, irrational beliefs, struggle to trust others, and exhibit overtly aggressive communication. They will attempt to do manage the fear of abandonment by being clinging, excessively needy or demanding in their relationships

4. Insecure Disorganized

• What contributed? Parents or caregivers were so completely unreliable, maybe abusive or completely shutdown; the child was at times frightened by the person who should have been loving and taking care of them

• What is the result? For this person love is confused and interconnected with abuse, neglect, fear or severe abandonment

• What is the impact on relationships? These individuals will often end up in abusive relationships. They crave connection and seek out relationships, but once established, they tend to reject or push away the other person out of fear

So now that you know a bit more about attachment styles & the impact they have on our relationships, please know that are not doomed by your attachment style. There is healing absolutely possible. Awareness is the first step. When you begin to become aware of the moments when your attachment style is interfering with your ability to connect and commit in a healthy way to your adult relationships, you can begin to make new decisions in light of this new understanding. Therapy is often really helpful as well. Healthy relationships have the opportunity to help us securely attach and learn new ways of relating to others.

If you would like to learn more about the attachment styles, I recommend THIS podcast episode.

If you are unsure which attachment style you have, you can take a quiz HERE.