Why, How, and When to Forgive!
I recently gave a talk to a group of single mommas on forgiveness. It was Q&A style and I feel that it’s something we all should hear so I wanted to share it with all of you here today. This concept of forgiveness applies to ALL of our relationships, as well as to ourselves. Before we get into why, how, and when to forgive, let’s first clarify what forgiveness actually is.
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?! and what is it not …
Forgiveness is not merely a feeling. It is an active choice to release any grudges, resentment and vengeance. Forgiveness does not mean that what a person did to you, or to someone you love, was okay or no big deal. It does not mean you need to continue having a relationship with that person. Forgiveness does mean that you’ve made a decision to cancel a debt you are owed. It does not mean that you will no longer feel the impact of any harm that was inflicted. Forgiveness does mean you are taking steps forward toward greater healing and freedom.
WHY FORGIVE?!
Forgiveness benefits us in so many ways. Truly it’s for us and not the other; it really has nothing to do with them. An immediate benefit to us when we forgive our debtors, or those who have hurt us, is that it gives us the power back. If someone has caused you harm, whether intentional or unintentional, they do not deserve to have any more power over you. We allow them to continue having this control when we hold onto resentments and refuse to forgive. Even if there is a physical distance between us and them, even if we never speak to them again, they can still have great power over us when we do not forgive. When we choose forgiveness, we regain power and control over our own lives.
More than anything else, we forgive because God tells us to and He desires what is best for us. The long term benefit to forgiveness is Heaven. Mark 11:25 says, "And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." Here we see that if we want God to forgive us, which of course we do, we need to forgive those who have wronged us. This same idea is also demonstrated in Matthew 6:15, “But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” We see time and time again in Scripture that God forgives us, as much as we forgive others. He is eternally merciful and wants us to receive all of His mercy, but we block ourselves from receiving this great gift when we do not offer forgiveness to those in our own lives.
We read in Luke 6:27 how forgiveness leads to an increase in virtue; “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.” So not only are we called to forgive but also to love, do good and pray for those who have hurt us. Choosing forgiveness naturally brings us to an increase in love, prayer, and charity. Virtue leads to joy. If forgiveness leads to virtue, it follows that forgiveness leads to joy.
HOW TO FORGIVE?!
It’s impossible to extend forgiveness without first receiving forgiveness. We have to experience the mercy of God in order to have mercy within us to give to others. We cannot pour from an empty cup. This means asking for forgiveness often and frequenting confession. The sacrament of confession is one of the greatest gifts of the Church. The healing and grace that takes place there is unlike anything you can experience or receive elsewhere.
We cannot forgive on our own merit, but God wants to help us. He wants us to experience peace. Ask Him for the grace to forgive, ask Him to help you forgive. Do not wait until you feel like you can forgive, or feel more positive about a particular person or situation. Forgiveness needs to be a choice, and often the choice comes before the feeling. We CAN greatly influence our feelings by making the choice and allowing our feelings to follow.
Are you someone who likes practical steps? I definitely am. Here is my favorite way to walk through forgiveness personally and with my clients:
Write out a list specified by person identifying each hurt/wound that has caused you pain or led to resentment.
Go through one by one and choose forgiveness by saying out loud, “I forgive ____ for ____ and I give them over to you Lord.”
Burn the paper after going through the entire list to signify releasing those wounds to God. Trust that He is the best judge and He will handle each wrong as needed. It is no longer your responsibility to carry, you are free from this burden.
If you feel yourself holding grudges, harboring resentment or refusing to forgive someone, I encourage you to go to confession. You will receive graces there that will be so helpful in your journey of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not something we choose once and never think about again. More often, it is an ongoing choice to forgive daily or anytime we find ourselves holding onto resentment, bitterness, and anger. It may be something we need to choose daily.
WHAT IF I FEEL ANGRY?!
Many people struggle with forgiveness when there is a deep sense of anger over something that happened. It is good to keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that there is always another emotion underneath it. Sometimes the anger comes on so quickly that we don’t recognize the primary emotion. If you are experiencing anger, take some time to think about what emotion came first that led to anger. Did you first feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, betrayed, abandoned, afraid, or something else? When we acknowledge and understand these underlying emotions it will directly impact the anger. We will no longer have a need for the anger because we’ve worked to process and address our deeper emotions and needs.
IS ANYTHING UNFORGIVEABLE?! WHAT IF THEY DON’T APOLOGIZE?!
The truth is that we won’t always receive an apology when we should. You may never hear the words, “I’m sorry”. Unfortunately, the person who hurt you may never come to a place of true understanding and repentance for what they did. We cannot allow that to stop us from choosing forgiveness. If forgiveness is dependent on an apology or repentance, the person who caused harm holds 100% of the power over your freedom and peace. We need to forgive even the most evil and horrific of crimes. Not because they deserve forgiveness but because they do not deserve control over us, and we deserve healing.
WHAT IF SOMEONE CONTINUES TO HURT YOU?!
Just because we choose forgiveness, does not mean we allow ourselves to be walked on, taken advantage of, or abused. When you forgive someone, that does not give them permission to treat you however they want. We need to create health boundaries with everyone in our lives, including our spouses, family, children, friends, co-workers, and others. I recommend the book Boundaries, if you are unsure how to implement healthy boundaries in your life. You can set a physical boundary by leaving the room, deciding to no longer see someone, or taking a break when you are feeling emotional. You can set a verbal boundary by clearly expressing what you are okay with and not okay with, or simply saying “no”. You can also set emotional boundaries by redirecting conversations you do not wish to have, ending a conversation, and limiting a relationship.
FORGIVENESS TAKEAWAYS?!
I hope that all of this helps you in your journey of forgiveness. This is a process. Be gentle with yourselves. Make sure you have received the mercy and forgiveness of God that we all need so that you can extend forgiveness to others. Remember to choose forgiveness even when you don’t feel like it and continue to choose it daily when needed. Lastly, set healthy boundaries and remember that forgiveness does not mean you allow others to treat you poorly. You deserve greatness. You deserve freedom. You deserve peace.