I recently gave a talk on forgiveness to a group of single moms, and the conversations that followed reminded me how deeply this topic touches every area of our lives. Forgiveness affects our relationships with others, with ourselves, and with God. Because forgiveness can feel confusing and overwhelming, let’s start by clarifying what it really is.
What Is Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a choice. It is the decision to release resentment, bitterness, and the desire for revenge. It does not mean that what happened was okay. It does not mean you have to forget, excuse, or continue a relationship with someone who hurt you. Forgiveness means choosing to cancel a debt. It means saying, “I will no longer carry this.” You may still feel pain. You may still remember what happened. But forgiveness is a step toward healing and freedom.
Why Forgiveness Matters
Forgiveness is not primarily for the other person. It is for you. When we hold onto resentment, the person who hurt us continues to have power over our hearts and minds, even if they are no longer in our lives. Unforgiveness keeps us emotionally tied to the wound. Forgiveness gives that power back to you. More importantly, we forgive because God calls us to. Scripture is clear that our willingness to forgive others is connected to our openness to receiving God’s mercy. Jesus invites us not only to forgive, but to love and pray for those who have hurt us. This path leads to virtue, and virtue leads to joy.
How to Forgive
We cannot give what we have not received. Forgiveness begins by first receiving God’s mercy through prayer and the Sacrament of Confession. When we experience His forgiveness, our hearts are strengthened to extend it to others. Forgiveness is usually a choice that comes before the feeling. We often need to decide to forgive long before we feel ready. Ask God directly for the grace to forgive. He will not withhold it from you.
One practical exercise I often recommend is this:
- Write down the names of those who have hurt you and the specific wounds.
- One by one, say out loud:
“I forgive ___ for ___ and I give them to You, Lord.” - Then destroy the paper as a sign of releasing it to God.
This is not magic. You may not feel different immediately. It is a prayerful act of surrender. And remember: forgiveness is often something we choose repeatedly, not just once.
What If I Still Feel Angry?
Anger is usually a secondary emotion. Underneath it is often sadness, fear, betrayal, disappointment, or grief. When we take time to identify and process these deeper emotions, the anger often softens. Healing happens when we allow ourselves to feel and name what truly hurts.
What If They Never Apologize?
Many people never receive the apology they deserve. But if forgiveness depends on an apology, then our peace depends on someone else’s behavior. That keeps us trapped. We forgive not because someone deserves it, but because we deserve freedom. No one has the right to control your heart through unresolved wounds.
What If Someone Keeps Hurting Me?
Forgiveness does not mean allowing abuse, disrespect, or ongoing harm. You can forgive and still set firm boundaries.
Healthy boundaries may look like:
- Limiting contact
- Leaving unsafe situations
- Saying no
- Ending harmful conversations
- Creating emotional distance
Forgiveness and boundaries work together. One heals your heart. The other protects it.
Forgiveness is a journey. Be patient with yourself. Receive God’s mercy often. Choose forgiveness even when it is hard. Ask for grace when you feel weak. Set healthy boundaries. Begin again when needed.
You are worthy of peace, freedom and healing. And with God’s help, forgiveness can lead you there.
