Each of us develops an attachment style based on how our parents or primary caregivers responded to our needs in infancy. These early experiences shape how safe we feel depending on others, expressing needs, and committing in relationships. Unless intentional healing takes place, our attachment patterns often follow us into adulthood.
Because of this, attachment style plays a significant role in how we approach commitment, intimacy, and emotional connection. When we understand our attachment style, we gain insight into why we relate the way we do and how we can grow.
What Is Commitment, Really?
One definition of commitment is “the state of being dedicated to a cause.” Another describes it as “an obligation that restricts freedom.” At first glance, this second definition can sound negative. It suggests that commitment takes something away from us.
In reality, commitment does not eliminate freedom. It simply involves choosing one good over another. For example, someone who commits to their job may need to attend meetings instead of going to the beach. They still have the freedom to choose the beach, but that choice comes with consequences. Dedication means choosing in alignment with what matters most.
We were created for commitment. From a faith perspective, we were made for communion with God, for love, for family, and for vocation. Marriage reflects God’s faithful love and enduring commitment to His people. Commitment is written into our hearts. It is good and beautiful. And yet, we often struggle with it.
Why Commitment Feels Hard
We live in a fallen world. Because of original sin and generational patterns, none of us enters adulthood untouched by dysfunction, wounds, or unmet needs. Our early attachment experiences shape how we learned to relate to others and whether relationships felt safe, predictable, and nurturing.
Attachment refers to how we emotionally bond with others. We are biologically wired for connection. When those early bonds are inconsistent, neglectful, or unsafe, we adapt in order to survive. Those adaptations may have helped us as children, but they often create challenges in adult relationships.
Many people are unaware of their attachment style, which means it quietly influences their relationships without their understanding. Awareness is the first step toward healing. There are four main attachment styles: one secure and three insecure. The descriptions below are simplified for clarity.
The Four Attachment Styles
1. Secure Attachment
Develops when: Caregivers are emotionally attuned, responsive, and consistent.
Results in: A sense that others are trustworthy and relationships are safe. Securely attached individuals feel comfortable expressing needs, asking for help, and tolerating disappointment.
Impact on relationships: They tend to have higher relationship satisfaction, communicate openly, remain emotionally available, and feel more comfortable with commitment.
Being securely attached does not mean someone never struggles. It does mean they usually have a stronger emotional foundation for trust and stability.
2. Insecure Avoidant Attachment
Develops when: Caregivers are emotionally dismissive, unavailable, or overly intrusive.
Results in: The child learns that emotional needs will not be met and begins to shut down emotionally. They become highly self-reliant and fearful of closeness.
Impact on relationships: Avoidant individuals often distance themselves, minimize their need for intimacy, struggle with vulnerability, and may end relationships quickly. They manage fear of abandonment by keeping others at arm’s length.
3. Insecure Anxious Attachment
Develops when: Caregivers are inconsistent, sometimes nurturing and sometimes unavailable.
Results in: The child learns that love is unpredictable. They grow up feeling uncertain, unworthy, and fearful of being abandoned.
Impact on relationships: Anxiously attached individuals may struggle with jealousy, mistrust, and emotional intensity. They often become overly dependent, clingy, or demanding in an attempt to feel secure.
4. Insecure Disorganized Attachment
Develops when: Caregivers are frightening, abusive, severely neglectful, or emotionally chaotic.
Results in: Love becomes associated with fear, confusion, and instability. The child experiences both a desire for connection and terror of it.
Impact on relationships: These individuals may find themselves in unhealthy or abusive relationships. They crave closeness but often push others away once intimacy develops.
Healing Is Possible
Your attachment style is not your destiny. You are not doomed by your past. Awareness is the beginning of change. When you recognize how your attachment patterns show up in your relationships, you gain the ability to make new choices. With intentional effort, healthy relationships, spiritual growth, and often therapy, people can develop more secure ways of relating.
Secure attachment can be learned. Trust can be rebuilt. Commitment can become safer. Growth is possible. Healing is real. And healthy, lasting relationships are within reach.If you would like to explore this further, I recommend listening to this podcast episode. You can also take this attachment style quiz here.
