Everyone makes sense in context. If we understand someone’s story, we will understand them. And yet, so many of us do not fully understand our own story.
When couples come to therapy, they are often not fighting about what they think they are fighting about. They come in saying, “We can’t communicate,” or “We keep having the same arguments.” But as we slow things down, we usually discover that something much older is being activated: old fears, old wounds, old patterns. Those patterns did not begin in marriage. They did not even begin in dating. Most of them began in childhood.
So if you find yourself asking, Why do I keep ending up in the same kind of relationship? Why do I react so strongly? Why does dating feel so confusing or painful? What is wrong with me?
Let me assure you, nothing is wrong with you. There is a story underneath that deserves to be understood.
As Catholics, we believe something important about stories. God works through them. He does not erase our past. He redeems it. And that includes the most painful parts.
What Do We Mean by “Your Story”?
When therapists talk about “your story,” we are not only talking about memories or major life events. Your story includes:
- The family you grew up in
- How love was expressed (or wasn’t)
- How conflict was handled
- How emotions were welcomed, dismissed, or ignored
Long before you ever went on a first date, your nervous system was learning what love feels like. What feels safe. What feels dangerous. What feels familiar. Much of this learning happened without words. That is why, as adults, we sometimes react in ways we do not fully understand. We do not choose our automatic reactions. But with awareness, those reactions no longer have to control us. Dating brings all of this to the surface very quickly. If we lean into it, we can become responsive instead of reactive.
When Relationships Become Mirrors
When I first started dating my husband, I told a friend that the relationship felt like a mirror showing me all my flaws. It was uncomfortable. I did not like it. But I also knew it was exactly what I needed.
Instead of saying, “This is just who I am,” I chose to stay curious. That choice changed everything. It led to compassion instead of self-judgment. It changed how my husband and I communicate. Understanding my story strengthened our marriage. Healthy relationships often do this. They reveal our wounds, not to shame us, but to illuminate where greater healing is needed.
The Power of Curiosity Over Judgment
I once had a client who said in our first session that she never wanted children. For many Catholics, this can trigger judgment, either outwardly or inwardly. But this was not a moment for judgment. It was a moment for curiosity.
As we explored her childhood, her responsibilities, and her pain, it made complete sense why motherhood felt threatening. Her wounds were quietly shaping her decisions. Once her story was brought into the light, healing began. Not by forcing herself into an ideal, but by allowing God to enter her real story. Eventually, she felt excited about motherhood. This is freedom. Her past no longer controlled her future.
The Vows We Make in Our Wounds
In painful moments, many of us make silent vows. These may sound like:
- I’ll never be like my mom.
- I’ll never depend on anyone.
- I’ll never marry someone like my dad.
- I’ll never have children.
These vows once helped us survive. But over time, they can keep us tied to our wounds and limit our freedom in relationships. Healing means recognizing these vows, honoring why they existed, and allowing God to rewrite them.
Common Patterns in Dating
In my work, I see the same patterns again and again:
- Anxiety: overanalyzing texts, fearing abandonment
- Avoidance: shutting down when things get serious
- Caretaking: trying to fix or save partners
- Conflict avoidance: fearing disagreement
These are not character flaws. Nothing is wrong with you. They are protective strategies that once kept you emotionally safe. The problem is that what once protected you may now be limiting you. Your body remembers before your mind understands. Understanding your story connects the two.
When Reactions Don’t Make Sense
I worked with a woman who became extremely angry when her husband used humor during conflict. From the outside, it seemed confusing. He was trying to reconnect and she knew he meant well. But her childhood had taught her that playfulness was unsafe. She had grown up too fast. Her body reacted before her mind could. Once she understood her story, everything changed. Their relationship became safer. Healing became possible. Safe relationships in adulthood can be deeply healing. But that is why it is important to begin this work in already safe spaces: with trusted friends, spiritual directors, priests, or therapists.
Triggers and Childhood Wounds
Sometimes a reaction feels out of proportion. That is a cue to get curious. A true trigger happens when your body is reacting to a familiar emotional wound. It signals danger, even when none is present. I experienced this in my own marriage. Through therapy, I realized my intense reactions were rooted in childhood. That awareness shifted everything. It became “us versus the problem” instead of “me versus him.” Healing became possible.
Faith and Emotional Healing
In some Catholic spaces, there can be fear that exploring wounds means weak faith. This is not true. Therapy does not replace God. It helps us name where His grace is needed. Throughout Scripture, healing begins with awareness. Jesus asks questions not because He lacks knowledge, but because relationship requires honesty. God cannot heal what we refuse to look at. Grace builds on nature. Understanding your story is part of cooperating with grace.
Good news: you do not need to be fully healed to date. We never will be on this side of Heaven. But you do need self-awareness and humility. Here are three starting points:
1. Pattern Awareness
What keeps repeating in my relationships?
2. Trigger Awareness
What situations feel disproportionately intense?
3. Responsibility Without Judgment
How do I respond when I feel unsafe or unloved?
This work can happen through prayer, journaling, spiritual direction, and faith-aligned therapy.
Dating as Formation
Dating is not just about evaluating another person. It is also about discovering yourself. It is not a performance where you prove you are lovable. You are already loved. Dating is a place of formation. It reveals where you need God, where you need boundaries, and where you are growing. Healthy dating means showing up honestly, staying grounded, and choosing to respond freely rather than compulsively.
Writing Your Story with God
Understanding your story brings peace. You understand your triggers, tendencies, and temptations. So begin exploring it. Write it out. Start at the beginning. Notice the themes. The roles you played. The patterns that formed. None of it is shameful. God can use every part of your story for His glory if you give Him permission.
Ask yourself: What do I want the next chapter to look like? Where is God leading me now? No matter where you have been, He is faithful. And He is not finished with your story.
