Engagement is such an exciting and special transitional season for couples. It marks the shift from dating to the lifelong commitment of marriage. This period can also be stressful as couples navigate wedding planning and the merging of two families. Often, the focus stays on the wedding day itself. While this is a beautifully important day that deserves attention, the deeper purpose is sometimes overlooked. The true meaning of the wedding day is that two individuals become one and enter into the sacrament of matrimony together.
Below are 12 topics, each with questions to guide meaningful conversations with your future spouse. I first came across this list during my couples counseling class in graduate school. I’ve made minor edits and additions, but the list is largely not my own. I’ve found these questions extremely helpful in my own relationship and with clients.
These topics will inevitably play a role in your marriage, and your future selves will thank you for discussing them ahead of time. There’s no right or wrong way to approach these questions. Personally, during my engagement, my husband and I discussed one question at a time during evening phone calls. This allowed us to thoughtfully share and listen to one another, leading to some deeply meaningful conversations. Let’s dive in!
1. Meaning of Marriage
A. Describe what marriage means to you?
B. Of all the people in your life that you have met, why are you choosing to marry me?
C. What attracted you to me initially, and what do you hope I will help you become?
D. What is the goal and ultimate purpose of marriage in your eyes?
2. Life Long Goals
A. What do you hope to achieve in the near future and the distant future (including career, family, etc.)?
B. How do you wish to impact and care for our community together and/or individually?
C. Do you hope to leave a legacy after you die? What would that ideally be?
3. Mutual Expectations
A. What do you expect from a spouse regarding emotional support during exciting times, sad times, periods of illness, and job loss?
B. Will you set aside one night just to be together alone to catch up and have fun? What would one of these nights look like ideally?
C. What size house is important to you, and what kind of neighborhood do you hope to live in now and in the future?
D. Are you both clear on how much alone time the other needs?
E. How much time does your spouse need to spend with friends, both separately and together?
F. Do you agree on how much time is appropriate to give to work? Discuss expectations for traveling, night work, and weekend work.
G. Do you both expect to support the family financially, and will that change when children arrive?
H. Are you both comfortable with any salary differences between you?
I. How will you handle times when one or both of you reaches a midlife career point and needs to make changes?
4. Living Arrangements
A. How do you plan to live together?
B. Where will you live after the arrival of children?
C. How will you determine if a new career path, job, or other reason is enough to move?
D. Do you hope to live in the same house or area for a long time?
E. Will you need to be close to your parents now or as they get older?
5. Family Planning
A. Do you hope to have children, and if so, how many?
B. When would you like to start having children?
C. How far apart would you like your children to be in age?
D. Would abortion ever be acceptable before or after that?
E. What method of family planning are you comfortable with (natural family planning, artificial birth control, etc.)?
F. If we struggle with infertility, what next steps would you like to take? (Are you open to or closed to IVF, IUI, fertility testing, NaPro Technology, fostering, adoption? What is on or off the table?)
G. What philosophies did your parents have about raising children, and do you agree or disagree?
H. How do each of you intend to shape your children’s values?
I. What kinds of punishment are appropriate or not appropriate?
J. What expectations do you have regarding money spent on toys, clothes, etc.?
6. Money
A. Will you have separate or joint bank accounts, or both?
B. If you have different accounts, who will be responsible for which expenses?
C. Who will take care of paying the bills?
D. Do you agree to full financial disclosure about each of your personal finances at all times?
E. How will strong disagreements about spending money be resolved?
F. Is there any pre-marriage debt (college, graduate school, credit cards, etc.)? What is the plan for handling it?
G. What amount of available money does each of you need to feel comfortable?
H. Will there be a savings plan for a house, car, or other major expenses?
I. Do you plan to trade houses as your financial situation allows?
J. How much credit card, home loan, or car payment debt is acceptable?
K. How will you handle the financial needs of parents if likely?
L. Do you plan to send your children to public school, private school, or homeschool?
M. What are your plans for children’s college education?
N. When do you hope to begin saving for retirement?
O. Will you use a financial planner?
P. Who will complete the taxes?
7. Parents and In-laws
A. How much time does each of you need to spend with your parents, and how much do you expect your spouse to join you?
B. How do you plan to spend the holidays?
C. What will be your parents’ expectations for holidays, and how will you manage them?
D. What kind of support do you expect from your partner when parents put pressure on you?
E. Is it okay for either of you to talk to your parents about relationship problems?
F. What kind of relationship do you expect your children to have with your parents?
G. Do you anticipate ever wanting a parent to live with you as you grow older?
8. Gender Role Expectations
A. What did your parents model regarding who did what in the family?
B. Did you feel that was fair, and do you expect something different?
C. Do either of you have preferences unrelated to gender roles?
D. How will you handle household or yard maintenance? Will you divide responsibilities or hire help?
E. Do both of you expect to work if you have children?
F. When children get sick, how will you decide who stays home with them?
9. Physical Intimacy
A. How often do you want to enjoy intimate evenings together?
B. How do you intend to resolve differences in sexual preferences?
C. Can you agree on how to handle differences in sexual desire?
D. Are there certain things that are clearly off-limits?
E. Do you agree to discuss sexual concerns when you are relaxed and creative, rather than during intimacy?
F. How do you feel about pornography and its role in the relationship? Has either spouse struggled with pornography in the past?
10. Conflict
A. How will you resolve heated conflicts?
B. What can you learn about how your spouse deals with conflict based on their family of origin?
C. What feels comfortable for each of you when your spouse gets upset? How do you naturally respond, and how would you like the other to respond?
D. Can either of you ask for a time out to calm down and problem-solve creatively?
E. What rituals will you develop to repair your relationship after a big fight?
F. Are you open to counseling together and/or individually? What would be good reasons to make an appointment?
11. Spiritual Life
A. What does spirituality mean to each of you? Are you religious, and what does that mean?
B. What kind of participation do you expect from each other in a spiritual community?
C. How will you share meaningful faith experiences and thoughts with your spouse?
D. Will your children attend regular services or religious education?
E. Will your children participate in rituals, ceremonies, or sacraments (baptism, first communion, confirmation, bar or bat mitzvah, etc.)?
12. Extramarital Relationships
A. Do you want to establish from the beginning that affairs are not an option?
B. Do you agree that emotional affairs are equivalent to physical affairs?
C. Will you talk to your spouse about someone you feel drawn to, either as a colleague or erotically, to strengthen your bond?
D. Will you commit to not discussing your relationship with a person of the opposite sex (except a therapist or clergy)?
E. What will you do to guard your marriage against outside relationships causing harm?
God bless all of you in your marriages! Remember, these questions are meant to provide a starting point for meaningful conversations. As you grow together, your expectations, needs, and desires may change. Flexibility is key. These discussions are not one-time checklists but ongoing conversations that will be revisited and revised throughout your marriage.
Have favorite questions to add? Comment them below so others can benefit.
